Center for Deliberate Psychotherapy

4 Tips for Better Coping Skills

Allen Wood — Mon, 06 May 2024 13:57:21 +0000

“To a person with a hammer, everything is a nail.” While cliché, this can be unfortunately true; particularly when it comes to coping. Coping is hard. Coping in the middle of a distressing moment is harder. On top of that, facing the expectation that a particular action should help can leave us frustrated when it presumes you have more time, energy, physical ability, or support than you do. If you’ve ever been irritated by someone asking you to “calm down”, “take a breath”, or simply “use your coping skills” you know what I mean.

In a previous post, I mentioned finding the right tools for the job and here I wanted to expand on that idea. Rather than using a hammer for everything (aka: having a generic set of actions or conflicting messages about what’s “healthy”), I wanted to play around with 4 ways of making coping skills more tailored.

1) Amplify the Joys

The purpose of coping skills is often to help return us to a state where we feel more calm or less overwhelmed. One of the most common reasons that we get stuck in states of stress or overwhelm is that we aren’t familiar or comfortable with the route into a positive state. There is a big difference between “be less tense” and “be more relaxed.”

Patrina Sanders, IFS Practitioner adds:

“When it comes to building coping strategies, I’m curious about three things:

1. What brings joy to my client’s system?

2. Can I tailor a skill to fit into that category?

3. If not, can I work with a part that is willing to do a bit of this work and then enjoy a bit of the joyful activity as reward?

Usually within those three questions, I begin to find ways to help my client adapt. Feeling functional and competent in a given circumstance breaks through so many barriers of shame and guilt and allows a client to feel like they have some agency and space for growth and change. Empowering parts that want to do the work and acknowledging the hard work of parts that distract from the work allows them both to have a seat at the table that feels meaningful and sets them up for success.“

~ Patrina Sanders, A Few Good Laborers Co.

Here, the consistent practice of amplifying the joys builds the habits and the neurology to more easily access those positive states. That practice is easier when we aren’t in an overwhelming moment so don’t be afraid to take advantage of everyday opportunities to get more familiar with your roads to more joyful feelings. So, amplify the things that help you access joy (or happiness, or calm, or….), that will make the route more familiar when you really need to find it.

2) Trust your signs of success

There is an important difference between having a coping skill and a coping system. A coping skill stands alone and helps achieve a more direct result (and therefore runs the risk of treating every problem the same way). A coping system is integrated and has multiple options to be able to respond in a variety of ways to the same problem or adapt to multiple obstacles. When building a coping system, it can be scary to try untested ways of managing stressful situations.

Audrey Fellows, LPC, LMHC adds:

“When developing a new coping system for a client, there are three main factors I consider: 1) the intensity of distress, 2) the coping style of the client, and 3) the function (how that behavior helps them). The more distress a client is feeling, the more ‘body based’ or sensory focused a skill should be (i.e. people panicking prevents processing). Journaling is a great skill, but some clients may do the same expressive work playing games, drawing, or finding songs that express their thoughts for them. Finally, if there are behaviors that you are trying to avoid, the new skills, when possible, should meet the same need: escaping, getting attention & care, sensory regulation, or needed/wanted items or experiences. Coping systems should be developed to meet client needs at various distress levels, styles, and functions.”

~ Audrey Fellows, Fellows Counseling and Consulting

Building a new system requires a close attention to what is working. The question of “did this achieve what it set out to do” can be taken for granted. Its likely that at the beginning, new skills won’t have the same impact, but taking the time to identify and analyze what the impact is, allows for a more thorough refinement of those new skills and makes it easier to blend them with the skills that are already in place. So, trust your signs of success, even if they aren’t 100% yet.

3) Count all the wins

There is a lot of debate about what “healthy coping” is. There can be activities that get excluded, minimum thresholds put in place, and plenty of generic (and sometimes unrealistic) routines that are advertised as the “best way.” It is true that some ways of coping come at a greater cost or have longer-term negative impacts (e.g. reckless or addictive behaviors), there are plenty of uncomplicated activities that get overlooked.

Jenna Brownfield, Ph.D. adds:

Regular exercise is often listed as a healthy coping skill. I encourage people to think and talk about regular movement as a coping skill instead of ‘exercise.’ I have found this shift in language allows us to come up with more ideas on how we move our bodies, instead of only thinking about things we typically label as exercise (e.g. running, weight lifting, workout classes, etc.). For example, walking your dog, dancing with friends, and playing an instrument are forms of movement. Focusing on regular movement as a coping skill, instead of exercise, is more inclusive of bodies that have been excluded from traditional exercise culture and spaces.

~ Jenna Brownfield, Dr. Jenna Therapy

Building a broader coping system may mean being more intentional about the things you already do and already love. There isn’t an equation that says the difficult a skill is the more helpful it will be in the long run. Sometimes the new habit is harder, but it’s not the level of difficulty that makes it valuable. Taking a look at the parts of you or the things you hear that discredit the ways you are already taking care of yourself can increase the impact and satisfaction you feel. So, don’t be afraid to count all of your wins.

4) Have Patience

Making a coping system that works for you won’t happen overnight. The last part of having coping skills really stick in a helpful way is to keep at it. It takes time for the brain and body to adapt to new ways of doing things. Practice makes permanent. Don’t be afraid to course correct along the way and to refine the things you are trying, but giving them time to really sink in is an essential part to making sure that the joys really are being amplified, you are really getting to know your signs of success, and that you’re more able to count your wins.

Coping is messy. It is difficult. Regardless, you are worth the time and effort.

we can’t change the past

Allen Wood — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 15:13:00 +0000

One of the things that I hear most often is some form of “I can’t go back and change what happened.” Oftentimes, this is accompanied by feelings of powerlessness, regret, anger, or sadness. Unfortunately, unless you have ready access to a temple of time, a convenient blue phonebooth, or time portals exist in your multiverse, that statement is true: We can’t change the past.

This poses some interesting dilemmas when someone wants to heal from a part of their history which is holding them back. Simply overcoming something like that is rarely simple and that moment (or span of moments) can keep replaying like a video game with a difficult boss fight you just can’t seem to beat. So, what do we do when a boss is too tough?

Use Your Level Up

The first time we had that experience, there were a lot of things we didn’t have that we have (or have more of) now. After all, what level were you at that point? I don’t say this to place blame or responsibility, but acknowledge the reality that there are times we need support and without it we don’t have what we need to handle things on our own. You are not a failure. Often it doesn’t feel that way though, so listen to the part of you that is stuck in that experience to see what they blame themselves for. Do they feel “too weak”, “too dumb”, “too …” whatever? Check in with yourself now: do you feel those things still apply? No character has perfect stats, even at max level. If those negative statements still feel like they apply, then make an active choice to use your strengths instead. If you think you’re too slow, what if you could be clever instead? Let yourself fool around with the options and pick a playstyle that lets you call the shots rather than letting that experience exploit your weaknesses.

Pick the Right Gear

Looking back on that experience: were you well-equipped to handle it? You’ve already worked to safeguard the vulnerabilities that made it tough before; now it’s time to figure out the best skills and tools for the job. Every boss has patterns and recurring memories or emotions are no different. Do they start with a targeted blast of guilt followed by some damage-over-time disappointment? Do they fly out of reach by pulling rank and then whittle you down with a barrage of unreasonable demands? Let yourself observe. Once you see the patterns, they become much easier to manage and you can plan accordingly. If the battle happens in a blizzard of self-hatred, then pick armor with a warming self-compassion buff. If they keep summoning minions which distract from the real issue, get something that lets you bypass them. Limit their options by picking the right tools for the job.

Expand the Party

With feelings like this, it’s easy to think that no one would understand or that they would judge you if they really knew. It fits then that most bosses try to divide and conquer. They succeed by trapping you in a sense of being isolated, unsupported, or abandoned. Keeping with the theme of not letting the enemy call the shots, its essential to challenge that sense of being alone. Whatever it takes, build a party that gets you what you need. If you already have people you trust: fantastic. Even if it’s one person, that counts. If you don’t, then pull in role models, fictional characters, or other versions of you from across the multiverse. Once you have your trusted party, let them fight with you. Invite them into that place that is scary or painful and allow yourself to utilize the support they can give. Imagining having others there for you may not be enough to completely heal from the wounds from your past, but every bit of healing and every step forward counts. You can continue expanding your party as much as you want or need. It’s dangerous to go alone; good thing you don’t have to.

Turn Their Own Power Against Them

At the end of the day, the fact that this boss keeps picking fights with you is a huge mistake. You can’t change the past and, in the past, you couldn’t beat it. This isn’t the past. The fact that the experience still exists in the present creates a portal for you to defeat it once and for all. It is underestimating you so much it’s practically asking you to vanquish it. Emotions and memories naturally move towards a resting state when they are allowed to. Turn that power against it by speaking the truth, accepting responsibility for what was yours (and *only* what was yours) and using the present to move you closer to an authentic, resting state. Invite yourself to put down the burdens, beliefs, and debuffs you picked up from that experience.

We can’t change the past…

and we don’t have to live in it. In games, it’s usually possible to backtrack and explore other areas. This boss is not the only part of the game left to play and you are allowed to find other parts that you enjoy. The fact that you are here means that you’re well on your journey and have already beaten a boss or two. Moving forward will take work, perhaps difficult and painful work. The playful imagery here is not meant to minimize how hard it has been to get where you are or to continue moving forward from here; regardless, you are worth the effort!

(and if that doesn’t feel true to say, that may be the next boss to face)

TL;DR: Play to your strengths. Get the best tools for the job. Surround yourself with allies. Turn their power for your good. Don’t try and change the past, change the present.

Cover Image Credit: Andrew Martin from Pixabay