One of the things that I hear most often is some form of “I can’t go back and change what happened.” Oftentimes, this is accompanied by feelings of powerlessness, regret, anger, or sadness. Unfortunately, unless you have ready access to a temple of time, a convenient blue phonebooth, or time portals exist in your multiverse, that statement is true: We can’t change the past.
This poses some interesting dilemmas when someone wants to heal from a part of their history which is holding them back. Simply overcoming something like that is rarely simple and that moment (or span of moments) can keep replaying like a video game with a difficult boss fight you just can’t seem to beat. So, what do we do when a boss is too tough?
Use Your Level Up
The first time we had that experience, there were a lot of things we didn’t have that we have (or have more of) now. After all, what level were you at that point? I don’t say this to place blame or responsibility, but acknowledge the reality that there are times we need support and without it we don’t have what we need to handle things on our own. You are not a failure. Often it doesn’t feel that way though, so listen to the part of you that is stuck in that experience to see what they blame themselves for. Do they feel “too weak”, “too dumb”, “too …” whatever? Check in with yourself now: do you feel those things still apply? No character has perfect stats, even at max level. If those negative statements still feel like they apply, then make an active choice to use your strengths instead. If you think you’re too slow, what if you could be clever instead? Let yourself fool around with the options and pick a playstyle that lets you call the shots rather than letting that experience exploit your weaknesses.
Pick the Right Gear
Looking back on that experience: were you well-equipped to handle it? You’ve already worked to safeguard the vulnerabilities that made it tough before; now it’s time to figure out the best skills and tools for the job. Every boss has patterns and recurring memories or emotions are no different. Do they start with a targeted blast of guilt followed by some damage-over-time disappointment? Do they fly out of reach by pulling rank and then whittle you down with a barrage of unreasonable demands? Let yourself observe. Once you see the patterns, they become much easier to manage and you can plan accordingly. If the battle happens in a blizzard of self-hatred, then pick armor with a warming self-compassion buff. If they keep summoning minions which distract from the real issue, get something that lets you bypass them. Limit their options by picking the right tools for the job.
Expand the Party
With feelings like this, it’s easy to think that no one would understand or that they would judge you if they really knew. It fits then that most bosses try to divide and conquer. They succeed by trapping you in a sense of being isolated, unsupported, or abandoned. Keeping with the theme of not letting the enemy call the shots, its essential to challenge that sense of being alone. Whatever it takes, build a party that gets you what you need. If you already have people you trust: fantastic. Even if it’s one person, that counts. If you don’t, then pull in role models, fictional characters, or other versions of you from across the multiverse. Once you have your trusted party, let them fight with you. Invite them into that place that is scary or painful and allow yourself to utilize the support they can give. Imagining having others there for you may not be enough to completely heal from the wounds from your past, but every bit of healing and every step forward counts. You can continue expanding your party as much as you want or need. It’s dangerous to go alone; good thing you don’t have to.
Turn Their Own Power Against Them
At the end of the day, the fact that this boss keeps picking fights with you is a huge mistake. You can’t change the past and, in the past, you couldn’t beat it. This isn’t the past. The fact that the experience still exists in the present creates a portal for you to defeat it once and for all. It is underestimating you so much it’s practically asking you to vanquish it. Emotions and memories naturally move towards a resting state when they are allowed to. Turn that power against it by speaking the truth, accepting responsibility for what was yours (and *only* what was yours) and using the present to move you closer to an authentic, resting state. Invite yourself to put down the burdens, beliefs, and debuffs you picked up from that experience.
We can’t change the past…
and we don’t have to live in it. In games, it’s usually possible to backtrack and explore other areas. This boss is not the only part of the game left to play and you are allowed to find other parts that you enjoy. The fact that you are here means that you’re well on your journey and have already beaten a boss or two. Moving forward will take work, perhaps difficult and painful work. The playful imagery here is not meant to minimize how hard it has been to get where you are or to continue moving forward from here; regardless, you are worth the effort!
(and if that doesn’t feel true to say, that may be the next boss to face)
TL;DR: Play to your strengths. Get the best tools for the job. Surround yourself with allies. Turn their power for your good. Don’t try and change the past, change the present.
Cover Image Credit: Andrew Martin from Pixabay